I have been crying as long as I’ve been living. I came into this world crying and I plan to leave it that way, too. I love crying. It’s cathartic, it helps me process my surroundings, and understand myself better.
Nothing about this listicle is based in science whatsoever. However, in my experience crying roughly once a week for 22 years, these are the main categories for my favorite emotional activity.
Sad Crying
This is the most universally accepted form of crying. Often demonstrated at funerals, the death of a pet, and any and all breakups. Sad Crying is traditionally the first step in the grieving process, and is a healthy expression of feeling blue.
Tired Crying
Often in combination with it’s twin sister “Hungry Crying”, Tired Crying is usually tipped off by something minor. A hole that tears open a grocery bag, unexpected traffic, a coffee stain on a sweater, or any variety of small bummers. These small bummers, compiled with not enough sleep, not enough food, or being overworked, cook up a perfect storm to bring on a good old-fashioned Tired Cry. This cry traditionally manifests itself in the knees and elbows, making your legs and arms feel wobbly and exhausted. The natural desire is to collapse to the ground, cry for a ‘lil bit, and then pick up your groceries, sniffling.
Stress Crying
Common among working professionals and parents, Stress Crying is a slow build of anxiety that peaks into sheer overwhelming emotional chaos. Similar to Tired Crying, Stress Crying is also set off by a small and rather insignificant bummer. The “tip of the yikesberg”, if you will. But unlike Tired Crying, it is coupled with hyperventilating and often targets another individual nearby to absorb the blow. Some people have never been the victim of another person’s stress cry. To help understand what it’s like, feel free to contact my fiancé at 912-224-7008.
The one on the receiving end of a Stress Cry might feel like they’re responsible for calming the Crier down, but the only thing that can stop a true Stress Cry is for the Crier to talk through what is stressing them out. There may not be any present or available solutions to what’s causing the stress, but naming them out loud often brings down the Stress Cry to a simmering Tired Cry, which is much easier to manage. It also stops the hyperventilating.
Silent Crying
Silent Crying is hard to categorize out of context. Someone in a movie theater might be Silent Crying at a sad movie. This can be confused with Sad Crying, but it’s in fact, very different. Sad Crying is the cry you have after the movie, in your car, in movie theater parking lot. Silent Crying is the crying you do for the courtesy to others in the actual movie theater. Silent Crying can take place on an airplane, on the bus, or at the Grand Canyon.
Happy Crying
The least threatening cry is the Happy Cry. It is also the most confusing cry. “Why am I crying? Crying is for sad!” No. Crying is for everything. The Happy Cry, while pleasant and nice, is often short lived. Because, well, you’re happy. Stop crying.
Scream Crying
Scream Crying is what happens when Stress Crying goes unaddressed for too long. It is often an expedited form of Stress Crying, since one can only scream for so long without tiring themselves out. Those living in apartment buildings should not perform Scream Crying unless 1. They are in danger, or 2. There are ample sound barriers (like pillows) available to cushion the scream soundwaves.
Drunk Crying
Drunk Crying is a fun game of Russian Roulette with all 6 of the previous types of crying. Sometimes it can even be a combination of two different types. It usually ends in binge eating or sleep.
Crying is a necessary part of being human. Every emotionally stable, smart, right-minded individual lets themselves cry. Jesus cried. Einstein cried. Barack Obama, Tom Brady, Matthew McConaughey, and Kendrick Lamar probably cry all the time. And if they don’t, they’re missing out. Because crying is one of the best ways to release anger, stress, sorrow, and joy. So if you haven’t cried in a little while, go ahead and put on that Sarah McLaughlin song and scroll through a couple pictures of puppies without homes. You deserve it.